Soul Boy

post season six, sort of an AU season seven. Spike returns with his soul..... Humour

A/N: Response to challenge at "We Band of Buggered", A horrific AU vision of Spike with a soul. Having trouble with my other story and just wrote this as a giggle. Hope you enjoy, if now at least I enjoyed writing it..





Disclaimer: If I owned it you think I'd do THIS to them?



Buffy Summers shook her head sadly, embracing her shocked and horrified younger sister even as she was unable to turn her own eyes away from the abomination before them.

"Make him stop!" Dawn whined, "BUFFY Please!"

"I.I, don't know how Dawnie." She watched as Spike adjusted his saffron robes and assumed a full Lotus position atop the summers coffee table.

"Jay Rom.." He chanted nasally, "Shree Rom..Jay Jay Rom."

"SPIKE!" Buffy shouted, trying to break through the trance like state her former enemy/former boyfriend was assuming.

"It's Not SPIKE!" Dawn insisted desperately clutching her sister's forearms, "Spike COOL! He wears leather and Smokes! It's a demon isn't it Buffy? It's a demon pretending to be him!"

"I don't know Dawnie.I just don't know." twenty minutes ago Spike had reappeared suddenly on the door step to the summers home clad in robes and twanging finger cymbals as he announced grandly that he was a changed man. Thinking it was another sick joak Buffy had beaten the crap out of him while he stood, arms by his side and not even trying to avoid her blows.

The worrying thing was when he thanked her for helping him work off is bad Karma and asked her to go for his nuts. Also she should have know spike would NEVER shave his hair off.

"I am indeed "Spike". Young one." Spike opened one eye and speaking in a Giles like accent, only snottyier, "but I have regained my soul. I would prefer if you referred to me by my new name. " He said something in Punjabi that sounded illegal in thirteen states.

"HUH?" The summer's women glanced at one another.

"Oh Blo-I mean, you may call me William." He closed his eye again, "I have returned in order to work off the villainous deeds that I committed while an evil, soulless vampire."

"You have a soul?" Dawn asked uncertainly, glancing at her sister and hissing in a low voice, "Look what you DID to him Buffy! I told you! Vampires DO get brain damage if you hit them!"

"Yes. I have a soul. I am Changed."

"How?" Buffy's voice caught in her throat, if he had a soul then he could be GOOD, he could be like angel, and it would be ok to love him.

Boffing his brains out wouldn't be icky anymore!

"I sought out some Romanian Gypsies and asked them to curse me." He said solemnly.

"And they, like, just gave you your soul back?" Damn, Boffing was off then.

"Well." He hesitated, "I had to give them two cartons of Marlborough and get them green Cards first.."

"You're doing people smuggling now?" Buffy's eyes widened, "Wasn't it bad enough growing demons in you crypt?"

"Your right.." He hung his head in shame, tears shining in his eyes, "I'm a disgrace."

"What did you DO to yourself Spike?"

"When my soul rejoined my body the pain was terrible..to have done the things I've done and care." he trailed off with a moan.

"Oh Spike.." Buffy reached out to touch him but he shrunk away.

"I have chosen the path to enlightenment." He said uncertainly, "My vows are strict."

"Vows?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I forswore violence, greed, anger, Hair gel and sex."

"NO!" Both of them gasped in horror for different reasons. Dawn because she had been looking forward to having someone to shoplift with once again and Buffy because.well, Sex and violence were pretty much the only things she enjoyed. Especially since Visa had cancelled all her store cards.

"Go get Willow!"

##

"So you're saying Spikes turned into Gandhi?" Xander said weighing up his words as he studied the chanting vampire on the coffee table, "I could, like, totally Spam his head and he'd just sit there?"

"Xander!" Buffy shot him an evil look.

"Hey! I was just asking.." He grumbled.

"Spike couldn't do anything anyway." Dawn said morosely, "If he didn't have that chip he'd have munched you up ages ago anyway."

"Would NOT!" Xander shot back, squaring his shoulders.

"He would to! Spike's a lot stronger then you are."

"Yeah, " Sneered Xander, "Well, ahh, well.My Axe is BIGGER!" Willow and Buffy glanced at him for a moment, frowning at one another before going back to their discussion.

"I want OLD Spike back!" Buffy growled at the witch, "This one's no good for, Uhm, for anything."

"I don't know." Mused Xander, "We could get him to sell candles at the Airport.."

"XANDER!" Dawn growled, "That is, like, SO mean!"

"I don't know." Willow ignored the others, "Old spike tried to rape you. And he WAS Kinda DANGEROUS."

"He was NOT." Objected Dawn, "He was nice to ME!"

"Only because he was waiting for you get big enough to eat." Everyone ignored Xander, who took the opportunity to poke Spike softly in the ribs. No response. He poked harder.

"It's true." muttered Spike without opening his eyes, "I was plotting to seduce her when she turned twenty one. I was truly evil."

"Twenty One!" Exclaimed Dawn in disgust, "That's, like YEARS away!"

"You were going to seduce my sister?" Screeched Buffy angrily.

"He won't be seducing anyone." Willow tried to calm the fuming Buffy, "He's a Buddhist now."

"She's not." Buffy narrowed her eyes at her sister who ducked behind Willow for safety. The younger girl stuck her tongue out at Buffy.

"We've got to think about how we're going to help Spike get over this."

"I don't know, Wil'." Xander was drawing a third eye on the unmoving vampires forehead with his black marker pen, "I Kinda like this Spike."

"How can we get him back to normal?" Buffy took a calming breath, "And Dawn, your grounded forever. Again."

"If it's just the soul thing we could try to give him a moment of true happiness.." Willow considered.

Buffy grinned, "Just give me five minutes alone with him."

##

Dawn made a face and tried to ignore the crashing sounds from the lounge and Spikes cries of protest. Xander shared her disgust, scowling into his mug of hot chocolate and ignoring the brownies Willow had raided from the fridge.

"You think we should help him?" He asked, it sounded more like Buffy was trying to kill him then..Well, he shuddered.

There was a high pitched squeal from the lounge.

"Sounds like Spikes doing just fine." Said Willow, colouring a little.

"It better work first time...This is like, Soooo warping my mind."

"Here's to hopeing Dawnie." Willow smiled at her.

A few moments later a grinning Buffy strolled into the kitchen and stole Xanders brownie, chewing it as she adjusted her cloths.

"Well, if THAT doesn't make him happy nothing will."

Silence fell as they all looked at each other, awaiting the outcome. After a few minuets the Scoobies began to shift uncomfortably.

"Your Sure you didn't over do it?" Xander inquired trying not to sound too hopeful, "Maybe you killed him? Again.."

"His face.he sure looked happy." The slayer said uncertainly.

"Eeewww." Dawn scowled.

A moment later a sound came from the lounge.

The twang of finger cymbals.

##

"Maybe it's the chip.." Buffy was pacing again while Willow studied the books she had strewn all across the lounge, "XANDER! Will you stop that!"

"What?" Xander shoved his hand behind his back. Spike's face was beginning to look like a freeway bridge with all that graffiti.

"Maybe it the chip?" Buffy repeated, fixing Willow in her gaze, "He cant be happy with the chip curbing his killer instincts.."

"Uhh.Buffy.." Willow said uncertainly, "Your not suggesting-"

"Oh Willow!" She smiled brittley, "He has a SOUL now.."

"So did Hitler." Mumbled Xander.

"Buffy! If he didn't have the chip he might.." Willow gulped considering what he might do. So did Xander.

"I agree with Willow!" Xander hastily shoved the pen back into his pocket, "We cant take the chip out.I mean, he tried to kill us."

"Spike with out a chip." Dawn weighed up the possibilities. On the good side she could get him to eat Kerry-Ann, who was being a Bitca again. On the bad side he might decide to eat HER afterwards.

"Spike tried to kill me more then any of you!" Buffy said haughtily, "And I can forgive him." Sort of, she added to herself, "Now get with the magic!"

"Uhh.." Willow shivered at the thought of the enrich energies coursing through her body once again. The power was just too much for her to handle...

"Ok." She tried not to lick her lips.

##

"Ok Spike.Now hit me." Buffy settled herself infrount of the vampire who was nonchalantly shaving his head with a rusty looking razor.

"I do not wish to hurt you." He said haughtily, "And I am William."

"Ok, WILLIAM." Buffy gritted her teeth, "Now hit me."

"I will not."

"You Will!" She slapped him.

"Buffy! Brain damage, remember!" Dawn said worriedly. If her sister beat Spike anymore he'd probably turn into a Mormon or something. She shuddered at the thought, still, atleast he had the teeth for it.

"I Will not." He put down the razor and began to chant again.

"I give up!" Buffy threw her hands up in disgust, stalking away.

"Maybe he's been hanging around with Scoobies to long." Dawn considered, "You know.like when they keep eagles in cages and they think their people when they hatch, and they have to feed them with puppets and teach them to be wild."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Asked Buffy, imagining someone feeding an eagle with her fozzy bear glove puppet. She wondered if dawn was on drugs.

"I think Dawnies talking about when they reintroduce animals back into the wild. They have to teach them to be wild again."

"That's what I SAID!" Dawn growled, "Maybe he's been hanging with Scoobies so long he just forgot how to be evil..I mean, ok, Anya was greedy and rude, and Willow DID try to blow the world up."

"Hey!" Willow shot her an evil look, eyes going black.

"Yeah.." Buffy sprinted for the door.

"Good idea!" She called "You guys stay here! Be right back."

##

Half an hour later Buffy shoved the struggling figure into the house, dragging him screaming into the lounge and kicking his legs away. She pulled the bag off its head, revealing a very frightened looking vampire.

"OK.Now we're getting weird." Xander felt it was time for him to take control of the situation. As usual no one else did.

"Slayer." The vamp grovelled, "Please don't kill me! I didn't know it was you!"

"You want to live you'd better start doing evil stuff." Buffy crossed her arms, looking firm.

"Huh?"

"Evil stuff..start doing it."

"You're not going to stake me?"

"Not if you do what I want."

The vampire shuddered, this slayers sick vampire fetish was well known in undead circles. God.what if she wanted him to...

"Your gonna hang out with Spike." She pointed to the bald guy sitting of the coffee table, "And do vampy stuff."

"Uhh.OK." He studied the figure uncertainly, "Hey pal.wanna go eat someone?" Spike ignored him.

"Uhh.." Willow considered, "Buffy, maybe this isn't such a good id-"

"Make with the vampyness!" The slayer growled.

"Uhh." The vamp considered, snarling pathetically.

"Dawn.get Mr pointy!"

"I'm Trying!" the vampire said franticly, "I mean.its hard with you all watching.."

"Come on!"

"Maybe we should, you know, leave them alone?" Willow piped up.

"OK." Buffy nodded, narrowing her eyes at her captive, "When I come back I want him baying for blood. I want him to be a ravenous monste-"

"BUFFY!" Willow squeaked in alarm.

"Oh don't be such a Wuss, Wil'! We'll calm him down again later."

##

Buffy paced impatiently around the kitchen, "He must have done it by now?" She asked Willow,

"I mean, they have those eagles wild in no time, right?"

"Uhh."

"Right?"

"Well, Buffy, it takes-" Willow watched her friend turn and run to the lounge, bursting in.

"OK!" Buffy burst into the lounge, unsure weather to expect an attack or a hug. What she found amazed her.

"And when you find stillness you see the true beauty of the universe." Spike was explaining to the other vampire, "You see that it is all an illusion."

"Yeah.But what if, like, the people you eat did something really BAD in a former life? Then you're just evening up the Karma.."

"Where's my monster?" Buffy roared angrily. The vampire jerked in alarm at her voice.

"Sorry, William. We'll talk again soon.." He jumped up and ran for the window, shattering the glass as he burst through.

"Damn!" Buffy stamped her foot in frustration, she'd just finished paying off Xander for doing the glazing too. She felt tears prickle behind her eyes. Unable to stop herself she began to sob.

"Buffy." Willow rested a hand on her shoulder, "Buffy.maybe its just not meant to be."

"But Wil'..." Buffy cried, "I LOVE him. I NEED Spike!"

"I know." Willow embraced her friend, taking the opportunity to hug her a little closer then was necessary.

"Oh well.." Xander walked into the lounge trying to smother his grin, "I guess we're a spike free zone..lets all go get burgers. You want us to bring you one Mahatma?"

"Eating the flesh of animals is wrong." Spike shuddered.

"Huh?" Xander was puzzled, "What you been living on?"

"Soya blood." Explained Spike stiffly, "I now respect the right of all life to exist!"

"What?" Xander needled, "So I get to eat the little baby cow all by myself?"

"You beast!" Spike looked horrified.

Xander grinned, smacking his lips, "Yummy! Little baby cow in a bap! You sure you don't want one?"

"Monster!" Spike growled, eyes flashing yellow for a moment.

"Uhh.." Willow frowned, "Xander, I don't think you should.."

"Oh, no!" Buffy suddenly smiled, "Tell Spike about when you had the Twelve meat Platter at Smokey Jose.."

"Yes!" Xander licked his lips, "There was moo cow, and pork, and bacon, and- " he was cut off as spike unfolded from his lotus position and leapt across the room.

"MONSTER!" Spike slammed Xanders head into the floor.

"Buffy-" Willow was alarmed.

"Oh, don't worry.." Buffy whispered, "I'll stop it before it goes to far."

"Beast! Devourer of meat!" Spike punched Xander again and again, suddenly freezing rock solid.

"Woooow.." He looked around in confusion.

"Whaaaat.." Spike looked down at his robe, "What the hell am I wearing? OH GOD! I'm a transvestite!"

"No!" Buffy said happily, "You don't remember? You had your soul! Now you have.er, Uhm, your back to normal!"

"Ahh." Spike ran a hand over his smooth head, eyes widening in horror, "Oh no! What did I DO?"

"You hit me." Groaned Xander.

"Shut up whelp, this is serious."

"SPIKE!" Dawn chortled happily, "Your back!"

"Yes." he looked confused, "I s'pose I am..must have been that moment of happiness I got bashing Harris here." He shrugged, slugging him again. "Yup.that must have done it."

"Spike!" Willow objected, "He cured you!"

"I did?" Mumbled Xander, "Damn."

"Spike! Your back!" Buffy wiped her eyes, "And I LOVE you!"

"Cool, Buffy, " Spike looked at her for a moment, eyes shinning with Joy, "be with you in a sec."

He punched Xander.