I, 'Bot
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I'Bot, my most reviewed story ever at ffnet, and one of my personal favorites.

The diary of the Buffy bot, and then some...

season six spoliers

I, 'Bot

By alex

E-mail (Blackmarblesphere@Yahoo.co.uk.)

Disclaimer: I liked the show so much I bought the company, er, well I will as soon as I can afford to - in the mean time I just borrowing them and still not making any money.

1 A/N: After my last two stories I needed cheering up. This is written (Hopefully) in the style of the 'Bot. Got the idea from the first episode of the new season where the robot is upset that spike does not like her and he snaps at Willow that she was supposed to stop her saying things like that.

Dear Diary:

I am Buffy Summers.

I know I am Buffy, but for some reason everyone seams to call me 'Bot, or 'the bot" or "walking toaster". I dont argue about this, they are my friends after all. Sometimes I tell them that they are my friends and they look sad. I dont like it when they look sad.

Willow keeps me working- if it wasnt for her I wouldnt be able to Slay nasty vampires. I dont like Vampires, they smell bad, and they are rude, oh and they kill people too, which is pretty bad isnt it? I got the idea of writing a diary from Dawn shes my sister, who is ALWAYS writing things down in her little book. I asked her why she was doing it one day, and she said that it helped her to think about things, and remember stuff.

I am always forgetting things, I dont remember what (OBVIOUSLY!) but I know that when Willow services me sometimes there are bits of what I've been doing missing out of my head. I think that its because I get damaged and lose them. I asked Willow why I forget things but she just frowned and checked her computer, saying I should not worry about it and that she'ed fix it.

I also like to think about things, sometimes I just dont understand whats going on. Sometimes my friends just talk about me as if I am not there, (RUDE RUDE RUDE!) but I do not get upset about it. They are my friends, and I need to keep them safe. I like Xander, hes funny! And hes not rude to me (like Anya is!!! Sometimes I would like to pull her hair.). He laughs at my jokes and he always eats when I make sandwiches.

I like it when Xander laughs, he looks happy, and I want my friends to be happy- got to go now! Willow is calling me.


Dear diary

Willow and Tara live with Dawnie and me in my house. I like it that they stay with us because they are nice to me. Willow repairs me- oh I wrote that didnt I? Well, anyway, Willow and Tara are nice people, they make Dawn laugh and do magic stuff, which I dont understand but like. I wonder why they dont have boyfriends- if they did I wonder if they would move in too? I dont know if I would like that because then I might have to move out of my room and into the cupboard again, like when their friend Kelly came to stay. I dont like it in the cupboard, its dark and I'm sure there are spiders.

I dont like spiders, because one crawled into my ear when I was recharging and it made me get all dizzy and walk in circles and say black olives over and over. I dont like it when that happens, you dont get anywhere.

Tonight we are going to the cemetery to kill vampires, well, re-kill vampires. Thats what I do (because I'm the slayer). They say that I used to go patrolling on my own when I was the other me, I dont remember that. I like it when we all go out together, Giles, Tara, Willow, Xander, Spike, and me, its like going on a picnic except that you kill things and there arent any sandwiches..

I like Spike, hes a vampire but he does not smell all that bad. He IS rude but he doesnt kill people anymore. Dawnie says that I used to be Spikes girlfriend, but I dont remember that. I wish I did.

I dont remember lots of things that I did when I was the other Buffy. Its confusing sometimes when everyone but me is out- Im not allowed to go out on my own- and I sit in the lounge looking at the photo albums. I see me and my mom and Dawn in the photos. We all look so happy, (which I like!!), but I dont remember when they were taken. I am worried because I dont remember. I do not like to bother Willow with it because then she gets that funny crease in her forehead and makes me plug into her computer. When she does that I feel funny, like I can be thinking about something and all of a sudden I cant remember what I was thinking. When that happens I dont like it at all!

But anyway-Spike is so cool. He watches Dawn sometimes when the rest of us go out

On patrol, and keeps her safe. He has funny hair, and a cool leather jacket. Sometimes Spike looks sad when I smile at him, and it makes me feel sad. I asked Dawn why he looks like that and she said that he loved Buffy. I dont understand this, because I am Buffy, and I dont remember Spike being in love with me.

Have to go now, time to patrol.


Dear Diary

We killed three vamps last night! They were waiting for me when I got home with Willow and jumped out saying all sorts of rude things. I dont like it when people are rude. I staked the first one and then I kicked the second one in the tummy and had a fight with it. It punched me in the head, (which I did NOT like at all!) I dont like it when people punch me in the head because it reminds me of when Glory kicked my head off. I dont like Glory, but thats OK because she is dead.

Well anyway, I killed the vamp but the other one was on top of Willow! I was very angry; Vamps should not just try to kill my friends! Thats Bad! Bad! Bad!

I pulled the vamp off Willow and told it that it should not do that, but it just laughed and hit me in the head (AGAIN! When will people learn I DO NOT LIKE THAT!!!!) Then I felt all funny and started to move funny and then I fell over while the vamp just stood there laughing.

Then SPIKE came out of the house and hit the bad vampire again and again with his fist and then he staked it. It was so cool with the way he got all growley and angry because the bad vamp wanted to hurt us.

Thank you Spike I said, but he just growled at me and helped Willow get up. I wonder if he likes Willow more then he likes me?

Got to go now because Willow is going to fix my gyroscope and is telling me to hurry up (in her huffy voice.)


Dear Diary

I was watching TV with Dawn today. I like TV because it has Friends on it which is a bit like my house, only they dont have witches and vampires there and I dont think anyone has to have their Gyroscope changed. I dont like my new gyro! It makes me feel dizzy but Willow says that I will have to make do until she can get me a proper one.

Dawn likes to watch TV with me, she snuggles up and we laugh when Joey does something funny. I like it when she snuggles up, but if Willow or Tara sees they frown and then they look upset which makes me feel sad aswell. I try to make my friends happy but sometimes I cannot.

Anyway, we were watching friends when I asked Dawn why Spike had growled at me and helped Willow up when I had to sit on the floor. She said that seeing me made him feel bad, because it reminded him of the (other) Buffy, and that he liked me really. I asked Dawn what the other Buffy was like and she said that she was really nice and strong and always telling jokes. I asked her if I am like the other Buffy but she got REALLY sad and started to cry and then she ran off to her room and wouldnt let me come in. I was knocking on the door saying that I was her sister and that she should let me in but Willow shouted at me and made me go and sit in my room while SHE talked to Dawn!

I can hear them talking and crying and I dont know why they wont let me make them feel better.

I am going to recharge now because I dont feel very happy right now. No one wants to talk to me and they still talk about me as if I'm not there which is RUDE and call me bot when my name is Buffy!


I wish I knew why things are like this.



Dear diary

I found this book on my bedside cabinet, thought I would read it, and found that it is a book about me! COOL!!!!

I have just read what I wrote before- I dont remember writing any of it. I dont understand why there is a book about me, but I will write about what I have been doing in case it is important. I do lots of important things like make sandwiches, and look after Dawn and slay vamps. I wouldnt slay Spike though- hes COOL. I like Spike, especially since I just read that he saved Willow and me from those vamps.

We were running around the cemetery hunting this REALLY BIG vamp, (I mean it was just HUGE!!!) and we were hitting it and kicking it and stuff and then he got Giles (Hes my watcher, and English so he speaks funny and drinks tea) and started

to kill him. Spike saved Giles, and we fought another vampire a bit later and then we went home for COFFEE AND DOUGHNUTS!!!! I do not eat doughnuts, or drink coffee, but all my friends do and I like it when they all sit around and we talk and laugh and stuff. They dont talk over my head so much, either, when were all sitting there, and I make them laugh when I say things. I like it when I make them laugh. Sometimes I do not think what I say is funny but they do, so I do not mind.

I sat next to Spike but he didnt talk to me and I dont know why, so I waited until he was going home (He lives in a cool crypt) and followed him to the door and told him that i liked him.

He just said that it was nice that the walking toaster liked him, which I did not understand (as I dont make toast as often as sandwiches or Brownies). Then I said that his hair was cool and that he was really brave and that I liked his abdominal muscles.

Well, I think that they were NICE THINGS to say but Spike got all grumpy and said that I was a STUPID ROBOT (Which is just SILLY because I dont feel like a robot. SILLY SPIKE! DURRRR!) And then he went back inside and said that he wanted to talk to Willow and now I have to wait up stairs in my room AND ITS NOT FAIR BECAUSE THIS IS MY HOUSE!!!

Spike is downstairs shouting something silly about programs (He only watches soaps and silly westerns anyway!) which is JUST PLAIN RUDE (but I still wont slay him, because his hair IS cool!). I want to go down and sit with my friends.

GREAT! Willow is calling me so I dont have to stay in this STINKY OLD ROOM!

Write more later.

Chapter Two

Dear Diary,

Maybe I should go to the doctor because I found this book on my bedside table and its all about me-and worse I WROTE IT! This is really freaky because I wrote that I did not remember writing the stuff in here and I think that soon I will come and find this book and will not know what it is.

I am here at home on my own, Dawnie is at school Tara and Willow are out and it is just me here. They leave me on my own and I usually just clean up all day, but I found out I used to look at the photo albums of my family so I guess I will do that instead.

This is all so NOT cool!

Dear Diary,

I am wondering if Willow and Tara are doing magic on me or something. From what I read if I upset people I forget things. After dinner I was doing the washing up while Tara and Willow talked in the lounge when Dawn came put her arm around me. I gave her a big hug, which was nice because I love her, and asked why she wasnt watching TV like she usually does. She said that she wants to watch TV with me for a change because Willow and Tara are talking about magic again.

So anyway, Dawnie and me were watching something called friends which was really funny, I think I used to watch it before because I wrote that I did, and now I know who Joey is. Well, this is the scary part, because I heard them Tara talking really softly about bringing Buffy back- but I havent gone anywhere. First I thought that they meant from the Parent-teacher meeting but then they started talking about some urn of Osiris thing and me being in hell. I am scared now, because I dont think that this is hell, my sister Dawnie is here and even when she is bad I dont think she should go there. They said that I was dead- but I don't think I am dead.

What if I am?

Dear diary,

This is so bad- I am dead but I'm not!

Tonight I was in the graveyard hunting vamps with Spike and Anya and Xander. Spike and I were looking for a bad vamp that was hiding behind some gravestones. Well, Spike saw him and beat him up which was so cool to see- those muscles are really firm and-anyway he was beating the vamp up when I saw what as written on the Tombstone. MY NAME!!!

I just stood there wondering how I could be buried and not buried at the same time and then Spike came up and stood behind me lighting one of those horrible cigarettes of his. I dont like it when he smokes because he set fire to my leg with one once and told Tara it was an accident but I think he did it on purpose. Sometimes Spike is mean to me when no one else is around, but other times he is nice.

"Thats where she is." He said, so I asked him who was in the grave and he said Buffy was. I got a bit upset and told him that I was Buffy and he nodded, looking at me in a funny way, like he was thinking about something. I told him that I wasnt dead but he just shrugged, putting his arms on my shoulders like he was going to give me a hug or something. I think being hugged by Spike would be nice, Dawnie hugs me a lot too, but then he called me a toaster on legs and walked away. I wish I knew how I made him angry.

I am writing this down in case I forget it.

Dear Diary

I got hurt bad, so I havent written anything down for I dont know how long. What happened was that these bad people came into town on noisy bicycles and started to smash things up. They said that I was a toy, which was not nice and they pulled my arms and legs off which was worse. While I was waiting for them to do this I saw the other Buffy watching me, and I wondered if she had come to save me or something but she did not.

Someone called Glory kicked my head off, I dont know what that was like but this was horrible…I couldnt move while the bad people laughed at me and went off to do bad things. Then Dawn found me, and Spike was there and then I went to sleep.

Things are different now.

Tara has moved out of the house and is angry at Willow and Willow is sad a lot of the time and Dawnie is angry with her for breaking her arm, and the other Buffy is living in my room. Personally I think SHE should have to sleep in the closet, since she was dead and all that stuff. She could get a crypt like Spike.

Back to where I was anyway, I woke up in the cellar with Willow doing things to my arms. She told me that she was fixing me so that I could look after the house while the other Buffy works and does Slaying. Oh, I am NOT the slayer anymore, because the other Buffy is. I dont see why we cant both be slayers, especially since the other Buffy cant have been very good at it what with getting killed TWICE.

I dont like the other Buffy very much, she never calls me aything but “bot and everyone else does now too. My friends dont talk to me anymore except when they want me to make them a sandwich or a cup of coffee. Dawn says its because they have (other) Buffy back- like thats so great. The other Buffy told Willow that she didnt like me looking like her so I had to colour my hair, I wanted it to be the same colour as Spikes but Willow said it had to be brown.

Spike doesnt come to house as much as he used to, but the other Buffy goes to see him. I know she does because I followed her, shes sneaky and mean and shouts at Dawn. I really do not like her. She is worse then Anya and I can see why Willow thought she was in hell.

I followed her to the graveyard, although Willow told me I am not allowed out of the house on my own, and the other Buffy went into Spikes Crypt. I think it is so unfair that I was never allowed in Spikes crypt, and have to stay indoors all the time.

I listened at the door and could hear all sorts of funny grunting sounds, and things getting broken. I think Spike and her were fighting. I hope he kicks the other Buffys butt good.

Dear Diary

I had to work at Double-meat today because (Other) Buffy was doing "Slayer Stuff not "bot Stuff". She is SO SO rude and mean to me. I liked it better before she came back and I was the only Buffy, but I cant say anything because I think that if I do she will make me forget everything again. I think she is mean enough to pull my arms off too, and Dawn says I am right.

I like it at Double-meat, the people smile when I give them food, just like when I used to make sandwiches for Xander. I just told Dawn that and she said that they were soposed to give me money when I gave them food and that the (Other) Buffy is going to get in big trouble. GOOD!

I am sitting in Dawns room and she is snuggled up for a hug and the other Buffy came in a while ago and looked at us like she was going to do something horrible but she is gone now.

Dear Diary

The (Other) Buffy is shouting at Dawn downstairs. I wanted to stop her but Dawn told me to go away. I dont know why, as I do not think she likes being shouted at because she is crying. Buffy caught her with some nice things that she took from a shop.

I do not like living here anymore, and I wish that I were the Slayer again then the Other Buffy could look after the house and not get so tired and grumpy.

I am going to climb down the tree by (MY) bedroom window and do some slaying.

Killing bad things might make me feel better.

Dear Diary

The other Buffy caught me climbing back in through the window last night and she was sooo mad! She said that she was going to get Willow to turn me into a washing machine. I do not want to be a washing machine! They dont get to do any cool stuff and just sit there going “whrrr whirr"

They dont watch TV, hug Dawn, make Xander sandwiches, or go on patrol with Spike. Also Buffy kicks the washing machine when it breaks.

I was so scared but the (mean) Buffy didnt care. Dawn came out of her room and told her not to shout at me because I was nicer then her (the other Buffy that is- but its not very hard is it?)

So I waited until the other Buffy was asleep (She Snores so loud that I could here her through the closet door) and then I went and woke Dawn up. I told her that I had to go because Buffy hated me and none of the Scobbies like me anymore. She said that she felt the same and I asked if she wanted to come. She said that she couldnt because Buffy had something called issues (I think its contagious because everyone has had them too since she came back) and she had to look after her. She was crying when I gave her a BIG HUG goodbye and I wanted to cry too. She made sure that I took my diary and I promised to write when I found somewhere.

I took the money out of the cookie jar. Its MINE not the other Buffys because I was saving change to buy Dawn something nice for her birthday, Anya suggested an antelope but I think Dawn wanted rollerblades instead.

I saw Spike that night and first thought I was the other Buffy (Ha-I dont have bags under MY eyes!). I told him that it was me and that Buffy was being mean to me all the time and that I had to find somewhere to live.

Spike said he knew all about Buffy being mean and gave me fifty dollars, which was nice of him as I only had eight before. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he smiled and said that the other Buffy could learn a few things off me. I told him that this was true, as I have to make her bed.

Now I am writing while I sit on a train. I am getting tired but I dont have to recharge for a few hours yet so I should get to LA first.

Chapter Three

3 Dear diary

LA is a big city! Wow, I thought the mall in Sunnydale was huge-here they are even bigger! This is a GOOD THING as I am living in the mall right now and I like to have lots of room. I cant keep sitting down for long to write this or the security guard comes and looks at me. It is a good thing that the other one turns up in about half an hour. He usually comes over and offers me some of his coffee and tells me about Jesus. I have not met Jesus but Saul- the Guard- tells me you go to see him when you die so maybe Buffy met him. I will ask Dawnie (MISS HER!) next time I phone. Apparently God likes me (not the other Buffy- he kicked HER out of heaven as soon as Willow asked for her back. I don't blame him,)

I have been here for three days and I wish I could find something else to do but walk round and round and round. Got to go now, the security mans coming around again.

Dear Diary

Spoke to my sister Dawnie today!!!

I rung her at school so that the other Buffy didnt know (She might still want to do something bad to me.)

Dawnie sounded happy to hear from me and asked what I was doing. I told her I was walking around the mall and she said that I had to get a job. My sisters really smart. She told me I had to get a job so that I could rent somewhere to live. She said that she was worried about me and that I should be careful of weirdos. I asked her what a was weirdo was and she told me.



I cant stay at the mall anymore because I threw a weirdo threw the window of the shoe shop. Icky weirdo! Served him right, wearing that raincoat and asking if I knew the way to Burger king! AS IF!

Looking for a job now- do not have much money left because I had to buy a battery.

Recharge now.

Dear diary

Still no job- the man at the construction yard was really rude!

Still no job-who wants to be fix cars anyway?

Still no job-they didnt need to throw things!


Dear diary

I have a job! When I get paid I can move out of the Dumpster which I will like as Graham snores and Tim laughed at me when I try to dust. They both smell bad too. It is worse then the closet back home.

I work at a restaurant. I take peoples orders and give them to Franco who cooks the food. I have to write the orders on a little piece of paper for him.

I cantt wait to have my own house!

Dear diary,

I have a room of my own!!!

Because of current housing prices I do not have enough money to live in my own house so I give Mrs.Jones money and she lets me stay in her spare room. I like my room, there is not a lot in here, just a bed a cracked vase and a TV on the floor. Not like my old room.

Mrs.Jones says that I can use the TV, and the kitchen as long as I clean up after.

I like that I have my own place now and cant decide if I should put the vase on the TV or on the floor.

I am going to watch the X-files in a minute. I wish Dawn were here so I could hug her.

Dear diary,

I met a strange woman today. She said that she knew me but I do not remember her. She says that shes called Cordy. I think she thinks i am the other Buffy, unless there are more? I hope there is not another one of me in LA.

Told her to go away.

Found a book (How to make your first million on the stock market) in the rest room and the boss said I could keep it.

Need a bookshelf now.

Dear diary

There is a weirdo who keeps trying to talk to me when I go home. He does not look like a weirdo- no raincoat- but he sure acts like one. He keeps saying that I know him, when I dont. Maybe he is one of the people I forgot but I dont care.

Rung Dawnie today and told her I missed her. She said that I should come home, 'cause Buffys acting weird and does not want to talk to her much and she misses me. I miss her, but I told her that one Buffy was enough for anywhere.

Other Buffy is more then enough for anywhere.

I am sitting in my room and I dont feel too good because my gyro is playing up. Watch some TV now. Wish Dawn were here.

Dear Diary,

The weirdo came and spoke to me again today. He said he was called Angel and that he was my old boyfriend and that I was ill. I told him I was functioning fine, which is a fib because my gyro is going again. I tried to fix it myself but I lost one of the bitty screws and now I get dizzy a lot.

Told him to go away.

Dear Diary

The weirdo is STILL following me.

Miss Dawn.

Dear Diary

Weirdo again

Joined library-reading "Mechanics handbook" and "Lover Heart".

Miss Dawn

Dear Diary

No weirdo(threw him into a Dumpster) -almost as good as slaying.


Dear Diary

Rung Dawn- she says Angel is definitely a weirdo AND a vamp. He was the other Buffys boyfriend, but she sent him evil. She says the other Buffy will be really mad if I stake him though. She thinks he is nice now, but I mustnt sleep with him and should stake him if he tries to draw my picture.


Got new stakes.

Dear Diary

Saw Cordy, she says that she spoke to Xander and knows that I am the me Buffy and not other Buffy. She says that Willow wants me to come home as need to get fixed. I can fix me now, Dont need Willow!

Said I like it where I am.


Dear Diary

Fixed Gyro.

Reading "The only man for me" and "Advanced Semiconductor Theory."

My shares up 4%


DEAR Diary,

Shopping- new dress, new shoes, Thirty feet of co-axial cable, power tools, nice hat with plastic fruit on it.

Shares Stable. Lonely.

Dear Diary,

Reading "Lord of the Rings."


Gave up. My head hurts!

Very Lonely.

Dear Diary

HI-I am Dawn Summers.

Buffy says that I should write stuff in my diary because it will help me think about stuff and remember things-what I dont know. She is so smart! I love my sister Buffy and she takes care of me. We live with Mrs.Jones for now but my sister says we will have our own house soon if the financial markets are good this year. I dont know what a financial market is- maybe a big mall where they sell money?

I am not a real person- I am the Key and on top of that Buffy says theres ANOTHER me- maybe in case I brake down I dont know. Buffy fixes me when my head starts Spinning like it did in biology call. That was funny! (Had to move schools after because Mr.Havers said I was the Devil.)

Not being a real person (Twice) is confusing, but I do not worry too much about it because Buffy takes care of me and we watch Friends on the TV. I like it when Joey does something funny!

I dont have many friends at school but that is ok becuase Buffy is making some for us.

She says that I will like Spike.


(Happy by popular demand)